By Deborah Schroeder
June 30, 2025
Continued from Part I…
Dating Ben
It was at this fraternity pledge banquet that I met Ben. The president discussed the situation with all the brothers (about 40 college men), and apparently advised each them to invite me to dance once. It was the third or fourth invitation to dance that I realized the word had gotten out that my date set a bad example and everyone was going to help change that image. And I have to admit, I did enjoy the evening. It was fun.
I never saw or heard of Sam again. The word was that he was dismissed immediately, not just from the event, but from the fraternity. Based on his behavior, Sam was not allowed to become a fraternity brother. Sheila, Chad, and I returned to campus the same way we came, and settled back into a normal routine of classes, dorm activities, and campus life. Except, that week, our phone started ringing.
A few of the guys who attended the banquet invited me out on a date! Didn’t see that coming. One of those guys was Ben, a college junior majoring in Engineering. He was tall, slender, very likable, with a wholesome sense of humor. He seemed to get along well with his fraternity brothers, and he had a realistic plan for his life after college. In other words, he grasped the importance of learning at the entry level and developing your skills within an organization. I sensed he had good parents guiding him along the way.
As we began dating, I loved the idea of moving from “me” to “we”. I loved being a couple at college football games, fraternity parties, and other college events. At one point, Ben offered me his fraternity sweatshirt. I loved wearing that oversized shirt. It made a public statement that we shared a special relationship with each other. I had stars in my eyes. The third date was a casual party at the anapartment rented by several fraternity brothers. The apartment was on the second floor and had a balcony off the living room which overlooked the parking lot (college apartments are low budget and no one rents them for the view!). The apartment was filled with people and it was getting too warm in there. So we stepped onto the balcony for a little air. It was in that private moment that Ben said to me, “I think I’m falling in love with you”. I was 19 at the time, and half-way through my freshman year. Ben was 21, and in his junior year. I soaked up those 3 words like a dry sponge sitting in a bucket of water. I promptly told him I felt the same toward him. But did I? Had I really given the idea that much thought? Had I actually considered spending the next 50 years with him?
We moved into the next level of our relationship, which involved weekend visits to get acquainted with each other’s families. We went to Ben’s home first, about a 3-hour drive from campus. He lived in an established city neighborhood full of mature trees and cape cod homes built in the 1940’s. His dad had a factory job with a large automobile manufacturer. I don’t recall if his mom was in the workforce, but she took very good care of their home, and she was a great cook. His parents were warm and welcoming. His older sister was married. Her husband owned a local funeral home. And on a low-budget college income, visiting that funeral home became our date on Friday night. Ben took me on a tour. I recall the room where caskets were displayed for sale, the wardrobe room (in case a deceased person needed an outfit), and the embalming room. The whole experience was rather unusual for a “date”. But I have to admit, it WAS interesting. I concluded Ben was reared in a good home, and was part of a loving family that had high moral standards. They wanted the best for their son.
A few weekends later, we drove to my home about 90 minutes from campus. My 3 younger brothers were still at home, one in junior high and two in high school. Bringing a guy home to meet my parents was a new concept for my entire family. When I dated in high school, my parents knew the families of my friends. My dad liked the idea that Ben was majoring in engineering. My dad had a degree from Purdue in mechanical engineering. My mom appreciated his respect for adults as he interacted with them.
There was one glaring difference that both sets of parents noted, but I dismissed. We came from different denominational backgrounds, and our interpretation of the Word of God on salvation was different. I dismissed that point. Our church organist was a member, but her husband belonged to a different denomination. What was the big deal? (I will share the big deal toward the end.)
Our university was set up with trimesters—two 16-week semesters, and one 8-week intensive in the spring, which was optional. As we came to the end of the second trimester, Ben had plans to take a back-packing trip through Germany. I returned home and secured a clerical position with the Board of Education for our local school system. I had no interest in dating others, because, after all, I was no longer a “me”. I was a “we”. Or so I thought. I depended on letters Ben wrote me as he traveled. Our plan was to re-connect when we returned to campus for fall semester.
Ben did write several letters sharing his experiences. I admired his ability to travel abroad alone and use the summer break for educational enhancement. But I missed Ben and looked forward to seeing him again when we returned to campus. Finally, the day to move back into the dorm arrived. Sheila and I shared our same dorm room we had the previous year. Sheila had broken up with her boyfriend. Over the summer she met the older brother of another girl friend from high school. He had been drafted into the army and was getting ready to deploy to Vietnam. I anticipated receiving a phone call from Ben to say he had also arrived on campus. I assumed he would be as anxious to reconnect as I was. But no call came. Again, no text messaging during those days, so I couldn’t just ask “Where R U?” with my cell phone.
Classes began and still no word from Ben. He had to be back on campus by this time. What was going on? Finally, Ben called and asked me out to a party his fraternity was hosting. When he came to the dorm to pick me up, he seemed a little stiff and uncomfortable. We went to his fraternity party welcoming everyone back for a new school year. We had fun talking with others, but he didn’t appear to want to be alone with me. Hmm.
As he drove me home, he finally opened up. “I came back to campus a month ago. I got a job washing dishes at a one of the sorority houses. I met someone there…” pause… “and, um, I’ve been dating her.” HER? “My plan was to pick a fight with you tonight, and make it look like we broke up.” Pause… “But you didn’t take the bait.” I was speechless. He quickly fell in “love” with me, with which I had NO problem I might add. And just as quickly, he fell out of “love”, which seemed to take the air out of my lungs. How does that happen?
When he dropped me off at my dorm, I felt as if I was living a nightmare. I tried to sleep that night, but could not escape the hope that tomorrow he will come to his senses and ask to take me back. The next day he did call to ask if he could see me. Great! I thought. He IS waking up to the reality that we were meant to be together long-term. I made certain to wear an outfit he liked, and I met him in the dorm lobby. We sat down and he wasted no time with his purpose for coming. “I came to get my stuff back that I gave you,” he said. My first thought: He GAVE those things to me. How can he ask for them back?” My second thought: If he no longer wants a relationship with me, why would I want to be reminded of him with his sweatshirt, fraternity mug, and several other things? It made no sense. “I will be right back,” I said, as I headed for the elevator. I quickly packed his things in a plastic bag and returned a few minutes later. As I handed to bag to him, he thanked me and walked toward the door. The next thing I heard was the sound of the dorm lobby door shutting tightly behind him.
Eight months. It took eight months for a whirlwind romance to start up, grow a little, slow down in the summer, and die by fall. Was that love? Or was I caught up in the IDEA of love?
To be continued in Part 3…
